


Okay

by sausaged



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 08:24:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1157343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sausaged/pseuds/sausaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka just wants Makoto to be happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> originally from the Free! kink meme; reuploaded because i fucked around with the ao3 settings and accidentally deleted everything. orz...

  


"Hey... Haru..."

"What is it?"

"Have... have you ever been in love?"

Haruka almost drops the mackerel from his chopsticks, barely saving it from its demise. He gently returns the piece of fish onto the safe bed of rice in his lunchbox and Makoto doesn't seem to be waiting for an answer as he continues in almost like a soft voice, a gentle smile hanging on his lips. "You know... it's sort of dreamy and it's almost like you are floating all the time."

Haruka taps his chopsticks on the side of his lunchbox patiently, eyes lidded as he nods quietly to Makoto's ramblings.

Love.

It isn't something Haruka thinks about often like water or mackerel. But it is something that has been increasingly palpable for him the past few years he's spent with Makoto... He can almost put it into words if he tries hard enough. He twirls his chopsticks idly, perching his head on his wrist thoughtfully.

And to his surprise (all the time), Makoto's strong and clear laugh rings in his ears like the sound of ocean tides crashing against rocks, shaking Haruka from his thoughts. "Then I said to her, 'all right, you can let me judge when I see you in a swimsuit!' and that's how I landed a date with Kou. Rin's going to slaughter me, seriously."

Haruka blinks almost owlishly, "what?" he manages weakly, setting down his chopsticks, his appetite decreasing faster than Rei sinking in water.

Makoto grins. "I said I landed a date with Kou and Rin is going to kill me."

"Oh." And that's all Haruka says before he picks his mackerel to pieces and does not eat another bite and for once in his life, Makoto is too busy chattering away to notice.

And once in a while, that's okay.

 

_Makoto-senpai, please go out with me!_

"It was the most embarrassing thing to ever witness! Even worse than the time Rei almost fell into the toilet!"

"S-shut up, Nagisa!!"

Haruka spooned a mouthful of rice into his mouth, the lingering taste of mackerel caressing his tongue like usual, trying to pay no heed to the conversation happening.

"And then, and then! Mako just laughs like a dork and take her love letter and _reads it on the spot_! WHO DOES THAT!" Nagisa is pounding on the table now, and Makoto is laughing with embarrassment in the background.

Haruka continues to munch thoughtfully on his lunch, watching his friends with a steady gaze and contemplating how strawberries might taste really good with mackerel at some point.

"Makoto-senpai, that's sort of thoughtless of you..."

"Ah, Rei! Not you too! I already got enough crap that Nagisa's been throwing at me! Haru, they're ganging up on me!"

Haruka gently closes his lunch box, darting his gaze away from Makoto's face when he feels the weight of those green eyes on him.

It's okay that sometimes he will not say anything because he thinks Makoto deserves it.

 

He wants to say he's gotten used to it, but he always feel sick to his stomach when he's around them.

His body is numb from the cold and unforgiving pool water. But even now, the water still knows him better than anyone else in the world, because the gentle ripples caress his skin and soothe the raging storm that is stirring inside him.

And Haruka doesn't realize what a horrible person he's become until he wishes for the day that Makoto will come up to him, sulking and upset because Gou had left him for another boy. But he knows it won't happen when he sees Makoto and Gou at the other side of the pool, fingers linked and laughing with each other. 

_"You don't have to be so rude, you know? You can at least be nice to her for my sake."_

Haru's lips part, but nothing comes out. His throat suddenly restricts and becomes as dry as the Sahara Desert.

Makoto is right. He can at least be happy for Makoto even though he himself is unhappy with he current predicament... Haruka continues to think long and hard, even way after Makoto had left his table in a huff.

That day, Haruka wins a grappling fight with himself and decides not to drown himself. He cannot promise to himself that he will win the next one; he just wants Makoto to be happy.

He really does. And he's trying really hard.

Haruka quietly sinks himself underwater.

It should be okay for now.

 

They hug and they hold hands and they kiss.

Haruka's seen them before.

"Haru, I'll see you after lunch, okay?" Haruka doesn't even look up from his small sketch of Makoto and Gou in his notebook, already knowing that Makoto is halfway out of the classroom already and sauntering his way merrily toward the first floor where Gou's classroom is.

Haruka stretches his legs lazily, heaving a sigh that's long enough for his soul to crawl out, do ten laps and then crawl back into his mouth.

If love is a feeling that is sort of dreamy and almost like you are floating all the time, then Haruka can be sure that he is far from love.

There is no way to describe this terrible feeling of his heart sinking to his stomach just as he is sliding down his chair, nor the way his stomach seems to dip and his chest seems a bit tighter when Makoto is smiling so gently at Gou. This ugly and awful feeling is nothing like the sort of love that Makoto is talking about-- Haruka isn't even sure what he is feeling anymore.

Haruka stares at his lunch box: yesterday's mackerel. The more he thinks about this, the more nauseous he feels, and he wonders if mackerel ever feel like that.

He nibbles on a little bit of rice before putting his lunch away for tonight.

Recently, he hasn't gone shopping for mackerel.

Maybe eating less of it is okay once in a while...

 

"Haru," Haruka looks up at the sound of Makoto's voice curiously, unsure of what to say because Makoto hardly approaches him nowadays; too busy with Gou or something like that. "Thanks for being so nice to Kou the other day. I didn't think you would really take me seriously when I got upset at you a while back... I'm sorry. She was really worried when you started ignoring her and stuff, too."

Haruka stares down at his book, not really liking the way the words seem to swim in his eyes and how he feels like there is water filling up every inch of his head.

It hurts and he doesn't know what to say and everything is just a real fucking mess--

"Haru?" Makoto lays a gentle hand on his shoulder and Haruka shrugs it off, offering his friend a tight nod before trying to concentrate on his book once more, trying to keep the ocean within him rather than spilling out of him.

 _It's okay_ , he tells himself. _It's okay_.

 

And there he is, lingering near Makoto at the end of the aisle as Makoto's bride is walking down the plush red carpet. Haruka's tie is too tight and his suit is too stifling; the flower in his breast pocket is really not his colour.

Haruka flexes his hand, swallowing a knot that's lodged itself in his throat. He watches Makoto watching her walk down the aisle, proud and happy and Gods, that smile of his hasn't changed a bit since they were young. But today, even with sweaty hands, continuous nervous vow reciting (praying he won't mess up) and pre-marriage skitters, Makoto has never looked more handsome.

Even though Gou had not lasted until now, she is in the crowd somewhere today with Rin almost sniffling right beside her and she is also watching over Makoto's happiness like he is right now.

At this moment, Haruka realizes that he's gone through the same heart break three or four times before she came along. With each heart break, he's gradually learned that it becomes less and less painful each time; because the sight of Makoto being unhappy hurts more than his own unrequited love. And so he quietly carries Makoto's self-doubt and Makoto's questioning of self-worth each time, solemnly gathering the pieces his own broken heart.

When Makoto first introduces her to him, Haruka grudgingly give her a pass because she is beautiful, gentle and kind and doesn't seem to hate water. But mostly because he knows she will succeed where he will never and he can only hope she will bring Makoto lots of happiness in the future.

"Hey, Haru," Makoto is whispering and there is something shiny in his eyes. "Thanks for always being here for me. I really appreciate it. Thank you, Haru."

Something inside Haruka breaks for the last time that day and it's probably the most painful it's ever been.

But it's okay, because Makoto is happy. So, everything should be okay from now on.

  



End file.
